Freedom From Spiritual Violence

In my culture, I have witnessed a form of verbal violence that affects the emotions and psyche of our tender human spirits. This violence is so pervasive and accepted that it's almost invisible. This violence tends to foster shame, alienation, and a lack of true human connection.

We often mistake it for love, spirituality, wisdom, and being helpful. Yet more often than not, it allows us to avoid being actively loving, emotionally available, and intimate with ourselves and others. It can prevent us from reaching the core of our humanity with simple compassion and vulnerability.

I will share some of the pronouncements I have heard many times in my culture, ones that tend to be vehicles for this form of violence. At some point, the origins of these pronouncements might have held kernels of true intent. And, in certain situations they might apply. But sometimes original content becomes misconstrued and, more importantly, misused. These are only a few of the phrases I have heard used by both counselors and lay people.

• If you have cancer, then you haven't dealt with your anger.
• If you have money problems, then you don't love yourself, or you feel you don’t deserve anything.
• If you have weight challenges, then you’re hiding your true self. You’re hiding from something.
• If you have intense emotions then you’re in crisis, hysterical, out of balance, or in need of analysis, ‘fixing,’ managing, medicating, enlightenment, something to make you calm and less emotional. (Emotions equated with illness or lack of understanding.)
• No one can love you until you learn to love yourself.
• If only you had listened to your heart, this wouldn’t have happened.
• We must always be positive.
• If you have a thyroid condition, then you aren't speaking your truth.
• If you’re feeling anger or outrage then you’re not getting to the ‘real’ feeling, which always lies beneath your anger or outrage. (Anger and outrage treated as illness, shunted aside without voice or honor.)
• If you’re not healing, then you don’t really want to heal.
• Oh, don’t take it so personally; you’re just being a victim.
• And, what was it that made you attract this suffering to yourself?
• Don’t you think you’re overreacting? Don’t be so sensitive.
• And if you have any of these or other challenges, then boy, you must be paying off a karmic debt.
• And remember, it's all in the mind. If you only had the right thoughts, you’d manifest only good things.
• If you’re truly enlightened, then nothing should bother you.

Sadly, I have seen the tragic pain on people’s faces when these pronouncements are inflicted upon their souls. I have felt their bodies retract into silent shame. The deeper tragedy is that when these things are said to us, so many of us put on a brave face and try to accept these statements as truth. We think we’re supposed to accept them, as if accepting them is a sign of maturity or enlightenment. Heaven forbid, any of us should be seen as less than enlightened. If this is enlightenment, I want no part of it.

Phrases like these often negate the intelligence of our feelings, and do not honor our precious and complex souls. They tend to suggest that if someone is suffering, then they are doing something wrong, or that something is wrong with them. So, feelings of failure, shame, and hopelessness pile pain upon pain, burying the soul ever deeper in lonely isolation.

Phrases like these can potentially set up damaging hierarchies that are based on delusions. I have never found hierarchies to foster love, inclusion, or compassion. They can create a sense of, “I am more enlightened than you are. This group of people is better than that group.” Hierarchies often create an ‘us and them’ situation, which breeds unhealthy division, oppression, shame, conflict, and even war.

`When exploring your sacred feelings, trust the wisdom of your Ancient Soul. After all, aren't we born of life itself?`

I once had a counselor friend say to me in an email, “You present a much higher functioning than Jessie.” (Name changed with respect.) I felt shocked that someone would judge Jessie and set up hierarchies in this way. Unfortunately, Jessie inadvertently saw this email and was deeply hurt and shamed. This kind of thinking can slice like a razor-blade through the soft heart of our already struggling humanity. We are left to drown in a pool of devastating shame.

I did not feel at all complimented or pleased by this person’s words. I solidly know in my heart and soul that I am no more “higher functioning” than anyone else. I will not live in barren separation. My soul is gratefully merged with the soul of all life. It is there I find my deepest peace, my most humbling moments. As I write this, my own warm tears tell me that all life…is me. And I am all life. I cannot cut off part of myself.

All others are my equals, my brothers and sisters, a part of who I am. We are beautifully unique, and whether we like it or not, we are interconnected. We might ask ourselves, “Can we drop our judgments and hierarchies long enough to see the intelligent gifts we all bring to the table of life?”

My own life experiences have taught me that hierarchies are a human delusion, one usually born of fear. I have found them to be extremely destructive, and have seen precious lives destroyed by the arrogance of hierarchies. If we can grasp the possible reality that there are no hierarchies, that we are no better than anyone else, this can be a very humbling act, an act of great courage…and relief.

We might ask ourselves, “If I am no better than anyone else, then what am I?”

Phrases like those I mention above also tend to assume that everything we feel is based on some emotional down-falling or failing, some lack of enlightenment. And yet, these phrases overlook the reality that we also live in a physical world, a world full of man-made or environmental toxins that can have highly adverse effects on the brain, body, and emotions. These substances are so prevalent in most cultures that we completely negate their existence when exploring our emotional, spiritual, and physical well being. The list is long, but a few such toxins are deadly pesticides and herbicides; PCBs, formaldehyde, and even naturally occurring substances such as heavy metals like arsenic, lead, and mercury; and also hazardous black mold known to cause depression, anxiety attacks, and other nervous disorders; and many, many more substances.

We seem to judge and make assumptions about each other on the basis of vague emotional, spiritual, and psychological hierarchies that support illusions of ‘normalness’ or ‘enlightenment.’ In our quest for illumination we often overlook our remarkable physical bodies, bodies that carry us through so much.

We can do better than this.

`May your life be a living prayer of compassion and equality.`

We can stop punishing ourselves and each other when we are faced with life's suffering, mistakes, regrets, emotions, and pain…no matter what the cause. Our challenges are not inferior, separate parts of life's unfolding, something seen as an ugly growth to be cut out or fixed so we appear more normal, enlightened, and ‘together.’

We all face unique challenges, and we deserve far more compassion and support than trite, new-age catchphrases that hide behind the guise of enlightenment. Our challenges also deserve more than stale, one-size-fits-all psychological analysis.

We can do better than this.

We are complex and unique beings. Our challenges must be respected and allowed to be explored on any and all fronts. They deserve both cavernous complexity and simple, sweet being-ness. They do not diminish our Original Light. They are part of being human, experiences to be shared, not burdens to be carried into dark, lonely corners filled with shame…especially when we are already struggling. Our challenges can sometimes help us feel and understand this life, and who we are. Regardless, they deserve the same respect and understanding as our accomplishments and shining moments, and can often make us wise, compassionate, and pithy. Our challenges are worthy of our protection and grace.

And sometimes…they just are.

Reason and ‘fixing’ do not always need to be present. Sometimes they too are an act of violence against the infinite, mysterious soul.

Sometimes, we simply need the freedom to be fully human, without reasoning and analyzing away every single emotion and experience, until it is left sterile and soulless. Abandoned. This can be exhausting and can often keep us in our heads churning away in mental chatter, instead of embraced in the love of our hearts and bodies. As long as we do not harm others, there is great merit in letting our feelings simply exist for the experience of exploring and feeling who we are.

And sometimes, we just need to get seriously grounded, be very practical, and see a doctor or healer for the body.

Stored within our emotions and our bodies is a vast, inherent knowing, an ancient connection to the Original Wisdom of all life. We are the result of billions of years of intelligent evolution.

`My Sister: As I sit on dry grass she sees me and gently approaches, only three feet between us. She wants only to 'be with.' So do I. As we exchange breath we both understand that we are intelligent equals born of the same Divine Source.`

Can we accept and love each other without the need for judgments, assumptions, or analysis…unless asked to give analysis? Can we love ourselves and others because of these challenges, and because we still have the courage to get out of bed every morning and embrace another day?

Can we let go of our arrogant hierarchies and humbly love each other as equals…no matter what we look like, no matter what challenges we face, no matter how different we might appear? And, can we still love those who create hierarchies, and those who make damaging pronouncements? Can we empathize by realizing we too might have done the same?

Can we marvel over the fact that someone chose us to witness their vulnerable humanity? This is a great honor. This person takes a courageous step in revealing their most sacred feelings. We must ensure we do not judge them or break any confidences. And, if we open our hearts, we will see the brave beauty in their exposed vulnerability, their messy emotions, and honest sharing. We will see…ourselves.

Can we stop holding our theories and pronouncements out in front of us like a shield? Sometimes it can feel safer to judge other people’s lives than to look at our own.

We might ask, “How could I respond to another person's suffering if I had no catchphrases, no spiritual books, gurus, concepts, assumptions, judgments, or psychological analysis?”

What if all we had to share with another human being was our own simple, raw humanity, our own humble life experiences and heartfelt feelings, our own sacred challenges, fears, tears, tragedies, shames, and vulnerabilities, and our own joys, warmth, and laughter…our own stumbling love? Isn’t this what a tiny child offers?

We also might embrace the somewhat liberating idea that it takes great courage to allow ourselves to be fully human, to be vulnerable, confused, emotional, irrational, outraged, messy, and refreshingly imperfect, and to allow in each other this suffering and supposed imperfection to exist with integrity, and above all, honor.

Can we lovingly embrace each other’s shame, dark secrets, fatigue, weight challenges, and health, money, and relationship challenges? And, can we do this with compassion and without comparison to anything or anyone, and do it without judgments, assumptions, or theories?

What if, we simply ask, "How can I help?"

`Can we let go the harsh emotional war? Mightn't we breathe a bit more freely, and feel a bit more peace?`

Can we move into our relationships with more humble presence and less presentation?

Can we simply hold loving space for each other while we experience and explore what it means to be human, and what it feels like to be alive…on this Earth?

Can we momentarily let go of trite phrases, pop psychology, and enlightenment, and instead offer tender empathy? Can we humbly give without burdening others with our assumptions and judgments, and without karmic debt, or saying they attracted the situation or didn't attract well enough, or that they lack self-love, awareness, or in some way need to be...more, better, or different? That is exhausting and rarely leads to enduring connections of trust and shared humanity.

No matter what is going on in our lives, we already are so whole and complete that it defies the imagination. It purely is whether or not we choose to see in each other the already existing intelligence and wholeness.

We have the ability within us to heal ourselves and all those who touch our lives. We all have beautiful, sacred stories to tell, rich with tears and joys, and dark shames and brilliant successes.

Can we be original thinkers and daring feelers who bravely listen to our own heart's cry, allowing us to connect to others naked-soul to naked-soul? Can we lay down our shields and touch our divine humanity…together?

Life is already intelligent. Given open space without judgment, life will often unfold, heal, and thrive all on its own. A non-judging connection is pure genius. It is the essence of God.

We might have painful experiences, even horrific experiences; we might flat-out fail by society's standards; we might have regrets and shames up the wazoo; we might feel—and even be—completely different from all those around us, but we are still a whole and cherished part of the Great Mystery.

Much love,
Roby

Freedom From Spiritual Violence

Keepers of This World

He Rose From the Deep