Eye of the Storm

© Robin Easton - All Rights Reserved

DEAR SOUL FRIENDS – I have been moving very slowly for several months. Numerous deaths in my life, as well as other life-demands, have required my full attention. I lost some dear relatives, as well as all of my closest, decades-old women friends, one after the other, women whose sheer being-ness created a familiar, safe, and loving landscape.

Most of us know how hard it is to lose a dear friend or relative, but when death stacks one loss upon the other in a short time, then something deeper is asked of us. We are beckoned forth into our own previously unknown vastness.

Even if we are completely comfortable with our emotions, and are experienced at feeling, exploring, and sharing them, eventually the losses, one after the other…blur together. Some people might go numb to survive such a seemingly endless wave of grief, and others might turn to one vice or another: alcohol, drugs, binge eating, and so on. However, I was born feeling this life deeply and completely. I have never known any other way, and since this chosen path feels beautifully rich and rewarding for me, I continue to let my heart and soul feel what they yearn to feel.

As deeply feeling as I am, I have always gravitated toward the light-of-life, even in the direst circumstances. Although I grieve, I fill my days with life-giving experiences that soothe and inspire me, and make me bubble with laughter and love. I embrace new friends that love me as I am…without any need for judgment or analysis. These souls simply offer tender, human connection.

When our losses arrive close together, sometimes, our grieving process for the first loss seems to be interrupted by each successive loss, until the individual losses simply merge together and we are enveloped in an indefinable fog of loss.

At first, this was a bit confusing for me. I felt I was abandoning the first lost friend…by grieving the soul of next lost friend. As the losses piled up, one after the other, I valiantly tried to fully grieve and commune with each soul. But then, as they all merged into a blur of loss, shock, and grief…something happened.

I stopped trying to process the losses in an orderly fashion. I let go and began to feel whatever and whomever arose in any given moment. The experience was no longer about grieving each individual, but simply about allowing the experience of grief to live and breathe in its own way. I fell into a vast sea of grief that felt refreshingly clean and beautiful, both healing and right. It felt so wonderfully human and real. Sane.

This sea of grief was much larger than me and my own loss. I began to feel a profound connection to millions of other grieving souls, a Universal Grief that connected us all with the most tender compassion. With empathy, I understood their pain and loss. I grieved with and for humanity, other species, and the living earth, sky, and water…as well as each of my dear friends. In this vast sea of grief, I knew I was not alone. So much of this life is about vulnerable connection, beautiful soul to beautiful soul.

Each day, I am overcome with gentle compassion for myself, and all life. From this soft, gentle place, I continue to process my grief as naturally as spring rain, and shooting stars. Life is acutely precious to me…even the simplest of moments feel like a lifetime of warm sweetness.

One of the beautiful friends I lost was my literary agent, Barbara, who years ago became one of my most beloved soul friends. She was a remarkable woman, with a PhD in Psychology and Religion. For years, she and her husband traveled the globe with an organization called Camps Farthest Out. On one such excursion in India, she met with Mother Theresa. I was more than blessed to have this brilliantly wise woman share some of her deepest thoughts and feelings with me.

One day, after a long phone conversation Barbara said to me, “Oh Rob, I finally see what makes you so beautiful and very different from most people. You have no defenses. You are wide open. It’s not just a choice, it’s who you are. I’ve never seen that in anyone. Every day, you meet life with your beautiful heart wide open, no matter what life throws at you. I now understand why you need your silent time communing with nature and God. You are a rare and beautiful soul, Rob. I tell you all of this because there probably won’t be many, if any, who will understand your way of being in this world. I want you to know I see you and understand.”

I cried when she said that because no one had ever seen the core truth of how I live my life. Being a complete empath who feels everything, and lives with my heart wide open, makes life piercingly exquisite. Yet, it also means I have to spend a lot of time alone to cleanse and restore my spirit. Nature is my church. It is where I go to meet The Infinite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In light of all this, I want you, dear soul friends, to know that I have missed you so very much. I pray you can be patient with me, and that you will hold me in your thoughts and beautiful hearts. I am okay. Life is simply asking me to reorient myself to a drastically changed landscape.  

Today, I share with you a spontaneous writing that is a mix of who I am and how I am currently navigating my new, but still beautiful, landscape. This piece is somewhat different from my previous stories, but it is something I am compelled to share…for now. Love. Roby

EYE OF THE STORM

If I won a thousand dollars that had to be spent on either clothes and jewelry or on power and hand tools, I would choose power and hand tools without hesitation.

I like comfortable clothing, practical and elegant, and I like to look nice if I go out, but clothes do not spark dreams in me. If I buy clothes, I prefer a fun thrift shop where I can buy used clothing. Thrift stores are much more of an adventure than conventional stores because I never know what I will find. There are always clothes and household items from many generations back. Young people searching through the racks, often light up with delight and call the clothes, “retro.”  

It is a good thing to recycle in a country of horrendous waste. The devastating extent of our waste reflects how out of touch we are with the earth and those who have so little. I have noticed that sometimes people feel stigmatized or shamed for buying secondhand clothing, furniture, household items, and cars, instead of feeling proud of themselves for being practical, or for recycling, or for using their money wisely.

My real love is tools of any kind, and the majority of my tools are secondhand. I go berserk over power and hand tools. I immediately start to dream. I love a good Makita, Dewalt, or even occasionally a Skil power tool, a chop saw, circular saw, chainsaw, jigsaw, drywall gun, sander, or a set of versatile wrenches, a hammer with the right heft, a smooth-sliding panel saw, a hacksaw, or adjustable clamps, staplers, screwdrivers, pliers, drill bits, nails, pails, screws, hooks, and more.

I dream of all the things I can create or repair. The possibilities are endless. I have a mix of tools, a few bought-new tools, and many found in secondhand stores, and tools discarded by others and repaired by me, tools that I rewired or replaced cords, handles, blades, switches, missing parts, and so on. People, like me, who love tools, usually maintain, repair, and hang onto good tools for a lifetime…like old friends. Tools are great because they can help me do things for myself, or for others who need something repaired or built. Tools empower me.

I have repaired toasters, power strips, light switches, electrical outlets, rewired phone jacks, lamps, and fans, as well as built steps, ladders, book cases, tables, chairs, desks, doors, or used tools to tile countertops, floors, and bathrooms, or to install toilets, replace kitchen sink traps and faucets, and to help build almost every aspect of several houses.

My most favorite wood is not found in any hardware store. I love trees way too much to buy new wood if I can avoid it. The wood I most love is a lot like my clothes; previously worn, recycled from old barns, sheds, houses, tumbled fences, fallen old trees, discarded shelves, and old doors…wood that others throw out. Oh, don't get me started. If I see a board on the roadside, I stop my car and pick it up. A dream in the making. Treasure!

My heart leaps when I see gardening tools: shovels, trowels, post hole diggers, leaf rakes, garden rakes, rock rakes, stirrup hoes (for weeding), pitchforks, pruning shears, magical wheel burrows... All of these tools help me grow a garden, which saves money and gives me healthy organic food for my family, friendly neighbors, young couples struggling to make ends meet, homeless shelters, and total strangers passing by. My gardening tools enrich the lives of many souls beyond my own family.  

Often hidden
in the storm
is unparalleled beauty….
the power
to heal ourselves
in deeper ways,
ways we never knew
sought healing.

© Robin Easton

What amazes me most are the things I can create, repair, or build with the right tools. I built the simple space-saving desk that I now write from. I just spent the last few weeks rebuilding and painting two old discarded bookcases.

I needed a break from Facebook, writing, thinking, words, and the loss of so many loved ones.

I also gardened, did some yard work, and took up my peg loom (another tool). I tear into strips old thrown out tee-shirts, torn jeans, worn sheets, and other discarded material, and recycle it by weaving it all into beautiful rugs and wall hangings.

Having been a concert pianist, I hope to eventually find a set of piano tuning tools, so as to tune my piano myself. I love learning new skills. With extremely acute hearing, it would be a meditation to hear the piano strings resonate back into perfect pitch as I tune.

Improvised tools are often the most fun to make. While living in the rainforest of Queensland, Australia where the jungle runs right down to the Coral Sea, I once salvaged a sheet of foil-backed foam insulation and two wire coat hangers. They had washed ashore after a storm, which is the best time to look for treasure. I took my prize back to camp and made a simple solar cooker that boiled my homegrown yams.

Living so remotely, I could not hop in my truck for a quick trip to the store and back, so I learned to improvise. Everything I found on the beach or in the jungle was a potential tool. I once harvested long, thin spines from a non-toxic plant to use as acupuncture needles. They worked like a charm. I also found a beautiful, tiny fish bone on the beach. I bore an ‘eye’ into the bone and used it as a sewing needle for several years. I also made improvised baskets, stirring sticks for cooking, wooden hammers, and more.

I love storms
Was twice hit
by lightning
I have lived
through cyclones
wind so fierce
I could not stand

And…I love
the intimate
eye-of-the-storm
a place so sweet
I am pierced
to my core
with stillness

© Robin Easton

Lately I desire to forget all thought and become enveloped in the eye-of-the-storm. I follow my hands and heart into wood, fabric, and dirt…and into the soul of ravens, deer, coons, skunks, trees, river, sky, and all intelligent life. I do not mind being empty of all thought. I love to stop everything and simply sit in my old rocking chair, one I rescued, repaired, and painted. I sit and rock just to be with sweet-stillness, not a thought in my head. Peace.

I know I will return to writing to you, my beloved soul friends, just as surely as I spontaneously write these words. But, for now, I need room to breathe, remember, feel, and experience life...without any thoughts, my own or other people’s. I must experience this deep river of life, as I garner my energy and remember those I love and have lost…so many gone in such a short time.

I must take time to remember what I love beyond all words, and that is…to feel this precious life, as deeply as I feel the loss of my dear friends: Barbara, Laura, Jaime, Sally, Bette Ann, Debi, and others. All of these women left this world doing the things that gave their lives meaning. I too must always take time to feel this life deeply and intimately.

May your days be filled with comforting tenderness toward yourself and all life.

Much love to you, Dear Soul Friends. Thank you for being a much needed and beautiful grace in my life.

Roby

© Robin Easton — All Rights Reserved