Pandemic Opportunity
And Then I Saw It
© Robin Easton - All Rights Reserved
Surrounded by my green friends, Australian Schefflera (tree), Pretty Pothos, and Variegated Philodendron.Have you ever felt, even momentarily, that you have not accomplished anything or gotten anything done? It’s not that we always have to be busy. We all need breaks and rest, time to reflect, time to let life wash through us without thoughts, reasons, or goals in mind. However, so many of us can feel like we ‘did nothing.’ Yet…rarely is this true.
The other day I sat in my backyard enjoying the cool shade of my beloved cottonwood tree. I closed my eyes to feel the sweetness of chickadees calling back and forth, “Chicka-dee-dee-dee.” Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wave of unexpected insights and images passed before me like a movie. I watched as a lingering Covid-fog lifted from my whole being. I immediately was shown that I had been walking around feeling as if I had done nothing with my life in the last two years. Then, as if through eyes much clearer and vaster than my own, I saw the last two years of my life in retrospect.
Going back in time, I saw the pandemic hit, and I saw a gentle, courageous woman, named Robin. I saw her shock at the huge changes taking place in the human-world. I saw her vulnerable fear and concern, as well as a strong ability to not shy away from either fear or change. Yet, she still woke many mornings to a Covid world beyond her comprehension. I watched this woman hike alone into the wild desert to listen to the Earth. She realized that none of the plants, sand, or mesas were affected by Covid. They were immune. Peace still lived and breathed in the original world. She merged with this peace to feel safe and loved.
As the vision unfolded, I watched her focus shift into acute awareness and free-thinking as she sorted through possible responses to this global crisis. Instead of focusing on fear, limitations, and horror, I watched her educate herself. I saw her gather close to her heart what remained, all the things that she could still be and do to create life. Her focus shifted more intensely toward the opportunities that still lay all around her.
As I observed this greater vision of myself flash before me, I was presented with a very detailed recap of the last two years of my life. It was as if I was watching another woman’s life. Yet, I knew it was mine. What I found so endearing about this spontaneous vision, was that it spanned a mix of grand adventures, tiny intimate moments, and even traumas, pain, and recovery. I sat with tears on my face, moved at the sight of my own vulnerable, fierce, imperfect, beautiful, amazing life, just one woman’s simple life. I saw an intensely resilient woman who never turns her back on life. Never.
I would love to share with you some of the things I had completely missed seeing as important to me. Some accomplishments were very simple, others were quite big. Regardless, all of these experiences make up my precious life.
Maybe you can share some of the insights or experiences you have had over the last two years.
Observing the world through wild eyes, her views as vast as the ancient land. I broke my back while lifting something—above my head—that was too heavy. My doctor thought I had a type of bone cancer. But, after two months of tests and agonizing waiting, we discovered that I did not have cancer. However, I have a serious bone condition caused by exposure to some very deadly environmental toxins, which destroy bones. I spent three months flat on my back, healing the breaks before I could move and finally get up.
I then did in-depth research and educated myself about how to heal my body with food, detoxification, exercise, and more. Not that I ate junk food or wasn’t active. I was well-versed in healing foods, plants, and many other healing modalities, but there is healing and being active, and then…there is serious Healing and Being Active. I chose the latter. I also let go of the people who told me what I ‘could not or should not’ be or do. When others spoke phrases like: “at your age, at this time of life, older now, not as young as,” I silently said, “I am not you. Through my own endeavors, I will discover what I’m capable of, just as I have always done.”
When we abandon ourselves before we have ever tried, we guarantee one thing. Failure.
Find out for yourself what you are capable of. I found my rock-solid core and did not budge from it, no matter what swirled around me, no matter what others believed, said, did, felt, or thought. I STOPPED listening to others and listened to my own heart. I walked away from all the destructive chatter and stood alone in the desert. In solitude, I listened to the heartbeat of Earth until it became my own. As always, I was shown refreshing perspectives and infinite opportunities. If we are willing to be creative and open to life—no matter what is going on—then almost anything is possible.
I then was compelled to jog barefoot in the soft, desert sand. So, I did. I also started to lift small hand weights, as well as do stretches and resistance training at home. I committed to a routine of steady jogging and exercise five to six days a week. For two years I have jogged three to five miles a day, five to six days a week, and have continued to exercise.
After a year and a half of jogging, I broke a toe while rearranging bedroom furniture. It was caused by the same bone condition that broke my back. At first, I felt very sunk. I grievously missed my morning jogs. But then, it occurred to me that although my jogging might have to wait, I could not fart around bemoaning my plight. So, I asked myself, “What CAN I do?” I bought myself a simple stationary bike that did not require the use of my broken toe. I also bought a small rowing machine, and I started daily biking and rowing until my foot fully healed and I could continue to jog. Although, lately I feel the urge to do less jogging and more meditative walking, miles of walking, maybe 7 to 10 miles round trip. We’ll see what unfolds. I listen to my body.
I then began intermittent fasting, eating only within a six-hour window, from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm and at no other time. I’ve done this every day for 21 months. After a year and a half, my blood work reflected all of my healing efforts. Plus, I have no more allergies, and my lungs, joints, liver, and kidneys are all healing, and my muscles and bones slowly grow stronger. I have further to go, but I am healing. Tears of gratitude and compassion for this courageous woman called, Robin. Yes, we must honor our courage because it often takes immense courage to be alive.
She walks with Mice and Mud.LOTS OF LITTLE-BIG THINGS:
· I installed a Berkey water filtration unit that allows me to drink clean water, which also heals my body. Every morning, I drank a full quart of pure water upon rising. I gave thanks for being alive, the most inexplicable mystery of all. I gave thanks for pure water, something that roughly 2 billion people do not have. “A little more than 3.7 miles, is the average distance round trip women and children in the developing world walk for water — water that is often contaminated with life-threatening diseases”. Two years later I commit to my morning practice of consciously drinking water, something so many of us take for granted.
· I hired someone to build a website for me. However, I realized they did not have the skills I needed. I had to let them go. I then researched web design and taught myself to build my own beautiful website and blog. https://www.robineaston.com
. I successfully propagated thirty of my original houseplants to fill my home with even more green energy and oxygen-rich air. Plants that give off oxygen at night go in my bedroom, and plants that give off oxygen during the day go in the other rooms. Some of my plants purify indoor air. I am in the midst of a love affair with my plants, and they with me. Many of them are decades old and now produce sixth-generation offspring.
· I lovingly recycled two old, dilapidated bookcases, and transformed them beyond their original beauty. They store my colorful weaving supplies, my old clothes torn into strips, and recycled into beautiful, hand-woven rugs.
Every time we honor our beautiful, yet seemingly insignificant actions as Sacred and Holy, we honor Life itself. We begin to see life everywhere, even in the supposedly mundane, until one day we realize...there is no mundane. There is only life. MORE LITTLE-BIG THINGS:
· I began to dream music at night, and woke to be with the stars and moon as I composed several new pieces of original music, one piece titled, “Pandemic Hope.” My piano and I fell in love.
· I stripped and re-calked two bathtubs. Removing the old caulking was hard work, but when done, I was proud of myself. I also replaced the screening in my sliding screen door, replaced a door lock on my garage door, rewired a phone jack, and replaced some light switches that no longer worked. I’m a very handy woman to have around. :)
· Every week I made healthy, organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, and often grain-free breads, carrot cakes, cookies, veggie dishes, healing soups, dips, green salads, green smoothies, and more. I often made extra to share with my beautiful neighbor and deeply loved friend, ‘C.’ She did the same for me. We both loved finding jars of ‘homemade-comfort’ on our doorsteps. I learned so much about selfless love from this extraordinary woman.
Although I am not a Catholic, on Good Friday I silently stood at my kitchen window and watched people of all ages march past my yard, beautiful souls who made the miles-long pilgrimage to El Santuario de Chimayo, NM. I cried when I witnessed a lone elder man pushing himself in a wheelchair…for miles. He politely refused assistance when offered, but many who did not even know him stayed close…just in case. I saw a lone, young mother with a full pack on her back, a newborn baby strapped to her belly, and another infant she pushed in a stroller…for miles. A determined, middle-aged woman lugged a heavy wooden cross upon her shoulders…for miles. I was profoundly moved.
Their long walk of atonement, faith, and hope. I designed a course titled, Primal Purpose, which looks at our fear of nature—a very common fear—and encourages us to understand that even our fear holds a very real purpose as we move into an intimate relationship with nature. Our fear is not something separate from our relationship with nature, something to be ‘overcome, fixed, healed, or done away with.” Fear of nature is something to be embraced as part of our original survival tool kit, an awareness waiting to guide us. Yes, even our fear holds a life-giving Primal Purpose, one we simply have forgotten. I will notify you when I offer this course.
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I landscaped a delightful little yard, long neglected by previous tenants. I loved learning to use a hedge trimmer, and other garden tools. I revived lilac, forsythia, butterfly, rose, and cedar bushes, and a scraggly sage hedge. Every day I merged with the intimate lives of these plants and the lives they sustain: bees, butterflies, wasps, moths, tiny birds, mice, and more. I grabbed my Canon camera and photographed the captivating life around me.
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A geriatric cat named Cassie adopted me when her beloved human friend had to move across the country and could not take Cassie along. I fell in love with this remarkable feline. She is acutely intelligent, wise, and loving. Every day I learned more about life, communication, and myself from dear Cassie. Over the days, I watched as she showed me what she needed and let me know that I was now responsible for her care. Once she had me fully trained and solidly in place, she brought Stephen into her family and went through the same courting phase with him. One day, I realized she was consciously building a new family. She not only needed love, but she wanted to give love. In human years she is one hundred and nineteen years old. When she stares into my eyes, I willfully drown in eons of primordial memory. Her ability to merge with me makes any distinction between human and cat vanish. We only see our beautiful souls.
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I finally bought a smartphone and learned to use it. Yet, I found it so invasive that I do not give out my number and I rarely use it. Although it is supposed to be a tool to enable better communication and connection, I found it took me far from my connection to life and myself, and far from my music, writing, and intimate time with the Silent Infinite. Yet, I am very grateful for this tool in the event of a potential hiking or driving emergency. However, I choose not to allow the constant demand and pull it could bring into my life.
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At the height of Covid, when food was vanishing from supermarket shelves, I started an organic container garden, set up a small survival-food pantry, an heirloom seed bank, and bought sprouting equipment. I canned many jars of homegrown grapes, plums, apples, wild greens, and more, another simple task, but an extremely rewarding one.
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I lost six of my closest friends, women I have known for twenty-five to thirty years. They died from Covid and other health issues. With this loss, my soul’s landscape changed. Along with deep grief, I felt disoriented. Again, I asked, “What CAN I do?” I started a private writing group of four women that I sensed I could trust with my life. I was not wrong. These women are powerful writers. They leave me breathlessly stunned by their emotional availability, and their brave willingness to be shamelessly real and honest. I love their irreverence in regard to appearing normal or enlightened. I also love their eager reverence for the beautiful human soul and all of its dark shadows and all of its bright light. Just as I learned from my geriatric cat, I too formed a new family. This experience made me realize that I am very good at creating sacred space for deep, Soulful Connections.
My soul sister, Cassie, looks upon the world with wild, feral eyes. I look with her. GIFT IN DISGUISE, THE BIGGEST GIFT:
I vulnerably share that at the onset of Covid, I was deeply wounded by someone whom I thought to be a friend. This person is a counselor, and I specifically asked if they would like to be my friend (not my counselor). They said yes. As we got to know one another, I shared my sacred vulnerability with this person. However, I was forced to pull back when it appeared they might only know how to analyze, judge, and make blind assumptions about me, my life, and someone I know. It had been decades since someone had treated me like I did not know myself.
When I respectfully and lovingly stated that I had my own insights and perspectives that I would love to share with them, I was told, “Why don’t we just move forward from here.” The door was closed to reciprocity and any view I had of my own, sovereign life. For me, it was an oppressive, one-sided conversation. Since this person was a counselor, I thought I could at least trust them with what I had already shared, but I was mistaken. They broke my confidences and shared my private life with others. Tragically this got back to me from people I deeply respect. I felt shocked, shamed, and saddened. And yet, I felt very grateful, for those who loving let me know. At least I solidly knew, I could not trust this person.
I accepted that this person did not have the ability to hold Sacred Confidences. They also might not know how to comfortably be with another human in a mutually vulnerable space. After the death of my six close friends, I had sought connection through sharing our beautifully emotional humanity, both our lightness and our shadows, and without any need to judge, analyze, enlighten, fix, or pathologize. Simply to witness. Although I did not receive this, I was given a remarkable opportunity. I am deeply grateful.
I was so buried under this person’s blind arrogance and the resulting internalized shame, that I had to see a counselor. Blessedly, she was infinitely kind and wise. I saw her once and she simply asked, “How would you like to unearth yourself from this person’s pain and oppression?” I told her that I would like to write a kind letter that stated my truth….and boundaries. The next day I wrote a letter that turned into five pages, ten pages, twenty pages, forty pages, and more. I never sent the letter. Instead, I silently thanked this person for the gift they gave me, and I chose to gently release them from my life, without further interaction. I then determined to focus on my own life with grace, courage, and dignity.
Over the months, I wrote, and wrote, and wrote….a book, “The Wild Soul Knows.” Then I wrote a second book, “Seeing the World With Wild Eyes,” and still I write. This person’s behavior became a creative catalyst. They indirectly sparked my boldest, most honest voice, and my most solid boundaries. I rose to the surface of myself like fiery molten lava rising to Earth’s surface to create new, intrepid mountains. From such heights the view was vast. I saw refreshing, new ways of being that protect the bright-lighted spirit and the deep, dark shadows of the human soul. I realized that I am not afraid to be fully human. I am fearlessly in love with it. In this awareness, words passed through me with crisp clarity, raw, gutsy words that desperately sought voice.
Write words unbound by fear and oppression.
Through it all, I gained broader perspectives. I understood that this person was talking about themselves…and it had nothing to do with me. They beautifully revealed to me belief systems that are fairly common, accepted, and rampant in my culture, but nonetheless can be very violent to the human soul. I understood that I had not lost anything. I was still fully intact. I simply had been shown what my own soul yearns to express and write. I continued to celebrate my own beautiful life, a life that is wild and free-thinking, fearlessly emotional, and wide open to love. Nothing could stop me…but me.
I learned a very empowering lesson.
I do not have to prove myself; I just have to BE myself.
We do not have to prove ourselves to anyone; we just have to BE ourselves, and live who we really are as fully, courageously, and shamelessly as we can.….every single day. We cannot let others diminish our vast light with their fear, shame, or judgments. We do not owe anyone our shame, or our submission to something that is not in alignment with our own ancient soul.
We can allow ourselves to be fully human, bravely unique, and refreshingly emotional. We can speak strong, bold words from the heart and soul of us, words that no one has yet to speak, words that others secretly feel…..but might not dare express. We can bravely open new ways of being. We can live this life fully trusting our own inner guidance. We must proudly, lovingly embrace the full spectrum of who we are, all of our gloriously messy, beautiful, shadowed, mysterious, emotional humanity. And, we must do this without harsh judgments, pathology, or shame. Yes!
More of my green family members who live in my office. It is thrilling to know them and feel them, so close as I write. This greater overview of my ‘Covid years’ allowed me to more clearly see and honor myself. I saw how resilient and tenacious I am. I repeatedly sought life-giving opportunities in the midst of global crisis, grave personal loss, life-threatening health issues, fear, love, patience, financial concerns, isolation, hope, despair, creativity, shame, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, more loss, more change, more tears, laughter, and love. Always more love.
As a wise friend says,
“It’s all life, Roby. We can embrace it all.”
Yes, it IS all life.
And, I am in love with it.
What might you have accomplished, but not fully seen or honored in yourself? …..by the way, even ‘rest’ is a brave accomplishment in today’s world.